Falling for the One Person Who Sees Me at My Worst

Yo Bro , whats-up !! , i know this sounds like the cliché opening to a movie but i honestly needed to get this off my chest and figured an anonymous corner of the internet might be the safest place ... For context i’ve been dealing with end stage Renal Disease for a few years now , that mean three times a week four hours a pop , i'm hooked up to the machine watching the clock tick tack , tick tack ... Dialysis is isolating.

You spend so much time exposed , vulnerable,and just feeling like a broken version of yourself !!

When a regular the stuff stops being just stuff they become these integral parts of your routine , your life , your pain management ...

My main nurse in the unit , let's call her 'X' , is the one who usually manages my station , She's  quite , simply , the kindest , most intelligent and most grounding person i've met in a long time , she has this way of explaining complex medical stuff that makes me feel calm instead of anxious.

She remember the small details , She makes me laugh even when i'm in pain , when she checks my vitals, i swear my heart rate actually does go up but not because of my condition ..

 

 

She doesn't just manage access site with that incredibly careful , almost pain-free technique she has , she sees me , she asks about my week-end not just my fluid gain.

She remembers the music i listen to and will sometimes hum along quietly while she's setting up my lines. she write her name on my hand as a joke every session , She's seen me exhausted, nauseous, terrified, and frustrated ( the absolute worst version of myself ) and she treats me with same steady , gentle , respect every single time.

I realized a few months ago, sitting there with the blood flowing out of one arm and back into the other, that i was falling in love with her !

It's completely hopeless and ridiculous that i'm fantasizing about the women who monitors my blood pressure , i know she's my caretaker , she's professional , she's literally being paid to be kind and empathetic to me , she's doing her job ...

But when she pats my shoulder after a tough session and says " See you Monday " hang in there," it feels like more than a job. It feels like she's anchoring me.

i can't say anything , the professional barrier is huge , and i rely on her for my medical care. The last thing i would ever want to do is make the place where i spend 12 hours a week  ( the place that keeps me alive ) awkward , uncomfortable or scary , so every Monday , Wednesday, and Friday , i go i'm pretend i'm normal and silently burn with this hopeless crush.

 

# How do you switch off your feelings when the person your crushing on is literally keeping you alive and can't be anything more than your nurse.